|I coulda been a contendah!!!
||[Jan. 24th, 2017|12:52 pm]
Scream With Me.
|[||Now I Feel...
Ive been threatening an update for quite some time. A few years I think.
Pensive, I sit here trying to find the words.
There arent any.
The year two thousand and seventeen.
I have a dog.
I still visit Live Journal.
I found inner happiness..and lost it..
..not to worry, I remember where it is if need be.
I continue to try...
for what and why, Im not even sure...
but I do...
..unless I dont.
I skimmed through some previous posts. Theyre all the same...
"Im still on drugs" "I hate my life" "I love heroin" "my life is shit, whyyy?"
I havent shot up in over a year and a half. This summer will be two years. Though I feel so grateful to not have THOSE chains binding me, I can feel methadone running through my veins. Im on 245mg.
It keeps me from wanting to numb my feelings with doap.
I dont think I can live without it. I mean, I know I COULD, I just stay fearful of going back to doap.
Not that I want to, but my brain tells me to do some whacked out shit.
My heart is heavy with sadness and despair.
thirty-one years of age.
I look in the mirror and still see the same lost girl I saw 20 years ago.
I really thought something good would happen to me. I mean something big, like, life changing.
Everything is so different, yet its all exactly the same.
Everything turned upside down when a dude blew a red light and totaled our new (six month old) car.
Until that Jesse and I lived in our own place, had a beautiful reliable car, and were making amazing money.
Life just felt good... like we were on top of the world and nothing could stop us or turn us backward.
This is when I found my happiness.
I was so happy.
I was so motivated.
I was so proud of everything we had accomplished having come from our disturbing background.
I was so fucking proud.
I even thought I had 'life' figured out. I had concluded it is full of ups and downs and a long as you stayed positive and happy, eventually shit would blow over and then back to the good stuff... But GODDAMN!! My accident was Dec 18, 2015. Ive yet to get through this 'tough spot' and my happiness has all but faded and my motivation level is almost non existent.
Im trying to make sense of my purpose of being alive.
Maybe there is no purpose at all?
Why the fuck am I here.
Oh, and Andrew is dead.
You already know what happened.