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Scream With Me.

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Brain Waves [Feb. 16th, 2017|07:28 pm]
Scream With Me.
[Now I Feel... |tiredtired]

I've learned to scream with my mouth shut
making no sound.

I am a leaf on a windy day.

Goddamn the grass looks greener over there.

Just because you're a loser
doesn't mean you aren't winning.

Love is the colour Blue.
Comatose is happiness.
Joy has wings.
Nothing is perfect.

Emotionally fucking disturbed.
Who cares, you don't fucking know me.
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Touch Me. [Feb. 15th, 2017|02:21 pm]
Scream With Me.
[Now I Feel... |crybabycrybabycrybabycrybaby]

I can feel my soul.
It aches.
From undernourishment.

My heart hurts.
It longs for...
...for
who fucking knows.

I cannot silence the screams.
just. shut. the. fuck. up.
They wont.

Taunt me with hope.
Tainted by hope.

Gahhhhh!!!! flsdi gaigjldkhsl.dj hg;sirgvd.n ;riug apreliges bakihigsjmb sijfgbldfjb hfh!!!!
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Tales from the crypt keeper [Feb. 10th, 2017|10:07 am]
Scream With Me.
[Now I Feel... |same]

Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right
Here I am...
Stuck in the middle with you.

My therapist says I need to value myself.
Rusty metal isn't worth anything.

One man's trash is another's treasure...

Sugar, spice... everything nice?
Where the fuck was I?

I'm caught somewhere between
caring TOO much
and
not giving a FUCK.
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(no subject) [Jan. 26th, 2017|10:02 am]
Scream With Me.
[Now I Feel... |mellowmellow]

The filthy rich
and the dirt, dirt poor
are all the same
when they cant take no more.

My dogs name is Blue,
I call him Booty
.
I dont like coffee anymore

Que sera sera
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I coulda been a contendah!!! [Jan. 24th, 2017|12:52 pm]
Scream With Me.
[Now I Feel... |discontentdiscontent]

Ive been threatening an update for quite some time. A few years I think.

Pensive, I sit here trying to find the words.
There arent any.

Its twenty-fucking-seventeen.
The year two thousand and seventeen.
2017...

Im married.
I have a dog.
I still visit Live Journal.

I found inner happiness..and lost it..
..not to worry, I remember where it is if need be.

I continue to try...
for what and why, Im not even sure...
but I do...
..unless I dont.

I skimmed through some previous posts. Theyre all the same...
"Im still on drugs" "I hate my life" "I love heroin" "my life is shit, whyyy?"

I havent shot up in over a year and a half. This summer will be two years. Though I feel so grateful to not have THOSE chains binding me, I can feel methadone running through my veins. Im on 245mg.
It keeps me from wanting to numb my feelings with doap.
I dont think I can live without it. I mean, I know I COULD, I just stay fearful of going back to doap.
Not that I want to, but my brain tells me to do some whacked out shit.

My heart is heavy with sadness and despair.
Im thirty-fucking-one
thirty-one years of age.
thirty-one.
I look in the mirror and still see the same lost girl I saw 20 years ago.

I really thought something good would happen to me. I mean something big, like, life changing.
Everything is so different, yet its all exactly the same.

Everything turned upside down when a dude blew a red light and totaled our new (six month old) car.
Until that Jesse and I lived in our own place, had a beautiful reliable car, and were making amazing money.
Life just felt good... like we were on top of the world and nothing could stop us or turn us backward.
This is when I found my happiness.
I was so happy.
I was so motivated.
I was so proud of everything we had accomplished having come from our disturbing background.
I was so fucking proud.

I even thought I had 'life' figured out. I had concluded it is full of ups and downs and a long as you stayed positive and happy, eventually shit would blow over and then back to the good stuff... But GODDAMN!! My accident was Dec 18, 2015. Ive yet to get through this 'tough spot' and my happiness has all but faded and my motivation level is almost non existent.

Im trying to make sense of my purpose of being alive.
Maybe there is no purpose at all?
Why the fuck am I here.
why.

Oh, and Andrew is dead.
You already know what happened.
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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2014|04:24 pm]
Scream With Me.
[Now I Feel... |tiredtired]

Shits been crazy... to say the least.
Ima mess.
This shit runs thru my veins.
Im tired.
But im wide awake.
I live for this shit.

Please God, don't let me make it to 35.
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Oct. 15th, 2014|03:57 am]
Scream With Me.
I dont even remember my last post here.
the past couple years have certainly been crazy. so has the last week. scarface shit nigga do it... or dont do it. fuck you.
LinkLeave a comment

breaker breaker 1-9 [Apr. 12th, 2014|06:47 am]
Scream With Me.

testing testing.
oh what crazy crazy things.

 

my dear LiveJournal you have allowed me to document over ten years of shenanigans. I owe you an update.
soon.
very very soon.

LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Aug. 28th, 2012|09:15 pm]
Scream With Me.
Update coming soon. :)
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Aug. 7th, 2011|11:00 am]
Scream With Me.
[Now I Feel... |blankblank]

Caught up and stuck and otherwise fucked
My eyes glued to the floor
theres no way to look up

Walking and rounding these circles Ive mapped
My shoes made of stone
hence my legs have collapsed

and blablablalbalablblalalbalalbagartggv

fuck.
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